Saturday, June 2, 2012

A good day shopping (and other personal things)

Oh hey, look what I got today! 

That's my brand new fancy mug and drawer pull from Anthropologie!
(also my alarm clock that I've had for 20 years, still going strong)

Look at those dandy flowers and charming design on the inside!
(Who would have thought a silly little mug would make me smile so much?)

This cloisonn√© drawer pull has been on my wish list for months. 
(and it looks just as good in person as I expected :)

Ahhhh, my new red leather purse. And on sale! Fantastic.

My new hat. Big. Chic. Classic.

I don't post these things to brag about my purchases or to give the false impression that I have buckets of money to spend (hardly). I'm writing about them because these items, which I'm able to get just for myself, mean so so much to me. It still sometimes feels surreal that I can go into a store and actually buy something I want. It would have been impossible to do just a year ago.

During my marriage I was very rarely given money for personal items. I had no credit card, no bank card (until the last year we were together), and any cash I had was usually "borrowed" for gas money or simply vanished from my wallet. If I made any money from my artwork, it was immediately transfered to our bank account and it usually disappeared before I ever saw more than a few dollars (I was deep into denial, but if I dared to ponder the idea that something was wrong with this, I'd try to find out what the money was being spent on and find receipts for cigarettes, fast food, alcohol, and dvds ). 

Every week or two, I would be given about $15-$35 to spend on groceries. There were certain food items that I had to get for him, which left little for household items, my own preferences in food, or basic necessities like clothing. When I left and moved into my parents house with Oliver, I had one pair of jeans, a couple of stretched out t-shirts, and a few old dresses. Most of my panties were at least three years old and I had one bra. 

So a year ago, the idea of spending $10 just on a drawer pull (and one that I didn't actually need, but wanted just to make my room prettier) would have been unthinkable. 

It's been almost eleven months since I left Matthew, and I feel like it might be time to start writing about what happened. These are just a few minor problems that contributed to my reasons for leaving. They would most properly fit under the label of 'financial abuse', but I also dealt with verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, and spiritual abuse.

I don't particularly like writing these things down. It's all extremely personal and emotional and it makes my stomach twist in knots. I'm not writing them down to throw myself a pity party, to be shocking, dramatic, or to exaggerate the facts, but to record them someplace other than my memories (which seem to fade more and more quickly lately) so that I can always read them to remind myself what really happened. I feel like I need to start sharing some of the things I went through. Keeping it all to myself leaves me feeling stuck in the past and emotionally stunted.

If reading it helps others to get a better understanding of some of the things I went through (along with what other abuse survivors have experienced), all the better.

But hey, enough with that. Check out this tasty food I've been eating (made by my super chef mom).

Garlic mashed potatoes, Chicken Bryan (goat cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, and lemon butter sauce), salad, and prosecco!

Paleo fried "rice" made with cauliflower. Definite win.


Mrs. Cheerio said...

Megan, I love your new purchases: everything is so fabulous! I can't wait to see photos of you in the new hat, lounging by the awesome pool.

I can't tell you how happy I am that you can treat yourself to these special things now and that the past is being healed more and more everyday. You are such a beautiful, kind and gentle person and it's great to see that coming alive in you again.

P.S. When can I come over for dinner?

Brewier said...

I just realized that the glass head your hat is on is kind of creepy looking.

Megan Lee said...

It would be SO much fun if you and your family could all come over to dinner. One day we'll have to make it happen :)

Megan Lee said...

Yes dad, yes it is.

Corey said...

it is always so encouraging to read your posts about what you went through in your marriage, not in that you had to go through it of course! In the fact that you had the amazing strength and courage to finally see what was really happening. I know I've said it before, but I know that if you had not talked about such personal things with me that I might even still be under the abuse of John and who knows what it would have escalated to by now. I still struggle with being open about it but I know I need to write more about what happened so I don't allow myself to ever be in any kind of situation like that again. You are such an inspiration, I miss you and really hope we can figure out some time to see each other next month :) Love you Megan!
P.S. I got a red leather purse that I absolutely love yesterday!!! I struggled between buying that or a pair of shoes and then was like, I'M BUYING BOTH AND IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME! lol

Megan Lee said...

Thank you so much for your comment, Corey. It's difficult to write these sorts of things, but it's really encouraging for me to know it helps more than just myself to write it down. I'm so glad I could help you at all in your situation and I'm always here for you if you want to talk. I'm really looking forward to seeing you in July!